Space Is Full Of Trash, Let’s Throw Harpoons At It Because That Seems Really Cool

You know what’s the worst part of space? All the trash. You go up to space expecting a vast expanse of nothing, but nope. Trash. Just so much trash. Fortunately, the world’s best and brightest minds have been hard at work on the critical issue of rapidly accumulating space junk.

“There is just too much trash guys. You know what trash reminds me of? Whales. Because whales are trash. And how do we kill trash whales? Harpoons. Ergo, lets throw harpoons at the trash. All in favor? Okay that’s everyone. Wow that went a lot better than I expected.”
- The World’s Best And Brightest Minds

Honestly, they had me at “trash.” But for those who need a little more explanation before they fully support deep space trash whaling, here are the facts.

- There’s about 6 tons of garbage floating around Earth, most of it spinning around really fast and basically waiting for us to make its day by sending up some satellite or something it can collide with and make a huge explosion that creates more giant spinning space junk

- This clutter is made up of dead satellites and spacecraft we just left up there, because I guess that’s a thing we do, and large flecks of paint and debris that spacecraft have shed because the flame decals weren’t exactly dry before liftoff and I think we used the wrong kind of paint but it was all they had at Lowe’s on such short notice

- It has gotten to a point where its putting our global communication network at risk and our roommate Gary never puts his shit away so all of his god damn laundry is kind of kicking around up there too and that certainly isn’t helping

- A bunch of science men and science ladies met in Germany to talk about the trash problem (see aforementioned quote) and they thought it would be super badass if we launched some space spears at the trash then pulled it down really fast so it catches on fire and disintegrates and who are you to tell them there’s probably a simpler way to throw out our garbage they spend their whole lives doing equations in some godforsaken windowless lab so you could for once just let them have a moment and throw some big harpoons at dead space stations because they really need this

So that’s where we’re at right now, as a species, regarding the massive amount of our garbage that we just kind of tossed out into the void and assumed we would deal with later when we had time because there’s a lot on our minds right now. The science people expect to start putting this plan into action within the next few years, mostly because they need a little time to make sure there’s nothing more gnarly they could do.

“Like maybe they could send a bunch of scientists up in some kind of mech suits, and they could be really armed to the teeth with all sorts of rockets and laser swords, and we could hurtle through space at the speed of light eradicating trash and then the trash forms into some kind of malevolent trash beast and we have to band together (despite being an unlikely crew of maverick renegades) and slay the daemon together before returning to earth to be swarmed by the thankful and sexually aroused townfolk, I don’t know I’m just spitballing here guys we have a couple of years to work on it”
- The World’s Best And Brightest Minds

Until then, we’ll just have to look the other way when it comes to space trash and just try to recycle more or something. For a bunch of people with those cool “tea and crumpets” accents talking about science and some really nice animations of space trash, check out the video below.


Popular Science
Al Jazeera

Commentary Ticker

  • Google Glass Lets You Take Photos With Your Brain
    July 12, 2014 | 4:02 pm

    If you haven’t heard, electroencephalograms (EEGs) have been getting better. Way better. Artificial limbs and even video game controllers are utilizing the non-invasive brain-wave monitoring method to guide computers by thought. Now English startup This Place has developed a way to bring the technology to Google Glass, allowing Google’s wearable to read your mind. Well, […]

  • Android Art: The Accidental Selfies of Google Art Project
    July 5, 2014 | 11:11 am

    Within the cultural centers of the world lurks a mechanical beast draped in silver spinning madly and capturing everything, sometimes even itself. In 2011 Google created the Art Project, an initiative to bring their Street View technology inside the cultural epicenters of the world. Google enlisted 17 world-class museums in short time. Institutions such as […]

  • Purple Mountunes Majesty: The Most Patriotic Playlist
    July 4, 2014 | 12:13 pm

    A while ago, Paul Lamere of The Echo Nest, a music-analysis company, took to finding each state’s most distinctive, yet popular, artist in a viral article. Spotify took note, purchasing Echo Nest for their analytical talent. Together, they’ve released a blog post documenting each state’s most distinctively American song creating a patriotic playlist for the […]

  • Emojinealogy: Where the Heck Emojis Come From
    July 2, 2014 | 3:10 pm

    On June 16th, the Unicode Consortium announced that 250 new emoji would be added to the list of symbols available to people’s cellphones and computer devices. The list of the new symbols can be found on Emojipedia. And no, the list doesn’t include the much needed minority representation, but it does include your favorite (?) […]

  • The Decline and Fall of the American Mall
    June 24, 2014 | 9:07 pm

    For ages, the shopping mall was as essential to the architecture of suburbia as Levittowns and freeways. But in an era of online shopping, these epicenters of brick and mortar yesteryear are quietly being abandoned across the country. While the U.S. currently has around 1,500, the number may soon shrink, and rapidly, leading to abandoned […]

  • RSSArchive for Commentary Ticker »

Join our mailing list!

Trending on The Airspace