Superman Kills 129,000 People, Is Biggest Asshole Ever

If you ask a child who Superman is, most will tell you he’s a hero. Few will tell you he is the world’s most super asshole. But I will, because I’m smarter than a child and I know more about assholes. He uses a city full of hard working, non-alien people as a god damn Rock-Em Sock-Em playground to kick around that other alien who looks a ton like Michael Shannon with a really shitty haircut.

Can we take a second to adress this? He obviously gels those tips. He does not wake up and happen to have a 90′s NSYNC haircut, he is an evil extraterrestrial who makes a conscious effort to look like Lance Bass.

All I’m going to say is that they are super beings who have spaceships and/or can fly and they throw down right in the middle of populated areas where they will clearly kill thousands and create mass destruction and Superman doesn’t give a rip-roaring fuck about it, so he’s kind of the worst thing to ever happen to everyone.

But you don’t have to listen to my logical and entirely correct opinion, let the facts speak for themselves. The disaster experts at Kinetic Analysis Corp. analyzed the wreckage and came up with some estimates that will probably make you want to tell your kids to look up to Rosa Parks or the guy who invented the printing press not a mass murdering alien psychopath. The final battle would cost the taxpayer an estimated $2 trillion in damages. About $750 billion in physical damage, 129,000 innocents murdered, and 1 million injured. By comparison, 9/11 cost $55 billion in damages.

So can we all get over the fact that he’s a dashingly handsome alien in a jumpsuit and tell him to go murder hundreds of thousands of innocents in the name of justice on some other planet that isn’t on the verge of economic collapse?


The Washington Post

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