11 Untold Stories of Bilbo Baggins for Peter Jackson’s Hobbit Trilogy


Peter Jackson, famously known for directing the award-winning Lord of The Rings trilogy ten years ago, has such a love for halflings that he simply cannot let Tolkien’s universe alone. In keeping with hints dropped at Comic-Con earlier this month, Peter Jackson’s film adaptation of The Hobbit will now be divided among three films. On Monday, July 30, Jackson issued a statement: “I’d like to announce that two films will become three.”

The production of the first two Hobbit films, scheduled to be released in 2012 and 2013, resulted in a considerable amount of b-roll that wouldn’t properly fit into only two cinematic releases. In Jackson’s post on Facebook, the director writes:

We know how much of the story of Bilbo Baggins, the Wizard Gandalf, the Dwarves of Erebor, the rise of the Necromancer, and the Battle of Dol Guldur will remain untold if we do not take this chance.
 

This is to say the rich story told by J.R.R. Tolkien in mere three hundred pages can only be told by Jackson in three full-length films. Curiously, the Lord of The Rings Trilogy which represented over 1000 pages of text, could also be told in three (admittedly long) films.

The outstanding question keeps biting at my ankles: where will Jackson get all this material from? Yes, there are plenty of pieces from Tolkien’s various appendices and the legendary stories of Middle-Earth stretching back to the first age but it’s questionable if that’s really enough.

Since Jackson will need to restart production to shoot enough film for a third installment, I implore Petey J. to consider including the following previously untold stories from Tolkien’s archives.


Thirteen Going on Three Hundred
It’s a trip into Bilbo’s awkward pre-teen years and embarrassing flirty curtain fetish. He’s just a boy with a taste for Elven style and a love for home decoration. Bilbo spends a considerable amount of the story in time-out for cutting holes in his mother’s duvet and suggesting they get a rectangular, practical door. “You can’t fit a round peg in a square hole.” his mother screamed. Bilbo was too young to understand.

Fast Times at Arnor High
Bilbo “Braggin” Baggins is halfling football star. He gets the girl under the bleachers, is nominated homecoming king, and pays a “total-fucking-nerd” to ace his SAT. A pregnancy scare after a saucy night at Weathertop almost ruins graduation.

Bilbo receives his test scores before returning to one of his better parties

Boffin’ Baggins
While working as a mysterious pizza delivery man to pay for his undergraduate education, the furry-footed Bilbo meets his future wife Berylla “Boffin” Baggins on a late-night delivery. The story turns mildly pornographic, but marks the beginning of a long, adoring, and fertile relationship.

Bilbo Goes To The Zoo
That’s it really. All the lemurs were sick and the pandas wouldn’t wake up. It was fairly sunny out but the uruk-hai at the ticket counter got muddy glop on Bilbo’s new straw hat.

"Smoke up," whispered the wizard Gandalf before riding a sunbeam to heaven

Requiem for a Baggins
The wizard Gandalf reveals he’s got far more than pipe-weed in supply and has been using pleasantries and noxious metallic fumes to convince the blouse-wearing hobbits to serve as his drug mules. Bilbo’s lead poisoning was too severe for him to recall this revelation.

Citizen Bilbo
Bilbo inherits the Shire’s leading newspaper which he quickly liquidates and uses the money to open a bakery during the Shire’s worst recession since the second age. Attempting to compete with the elves and their “willie-prickling Lembas,” Bilbo makes the bread too hard and three wayward travelers die on his first batch. Stale loafs and family laughs abound.

Blow
Middle-Earth’s favorite Golden dragon Smaug venture-backs Gandalf’s dying drug empire because the grey wizard promised “hallucinogens are the next big thing.” Luckily for them, halflings are feeble-minded and love to get high. The deal is so lucrative for Smaug and the wizard Gandalf they become friends and decide to vacation together in Aruba the following holiday.

Smaug liquidates capital to invest in a dairy farm

Bilbo!
A song and dance (Bilbo’s favorites) companion piece to hit sing-along Pippin—a confusing act which had little to do with Peregrin Took or the six-foot eight, seven time all-star small forward for the Chicago Bulls Scottie Pippen. Nevertheless, the Hobbits revel.

Dancing with Baggins
The wizard Gandalf purchases a pack of wolves to help with the gardening, but after that Tolkien’s notes are quite difficult to read. The only bits distinguishable are the words and phrases “fallopian tubes,” “water chestnuts,” and “dank ass pipe-weed.”

Finding Bilbo
Bilbo Baggins goes for a swim in the Shire only to get lost in the peaceful and harmonious waters. After hours of drifting and pond-napping, Bilbo gets tangled in the net of one Mr. Sméagol. The fisherman attempts to put Bilbo’s entire head in his mouth, but when he cannot the pond-raider throws Bilbo back into the water, where the hobbit smiles pleasantly and suffers awful sunburn.

Peace, Love, & Bilbo
In a fit of civil disobedience Bilbo buys a used school bus and dubs it “Baggins’ Shaggin’ Wagon.” He gathers the trendiest Shire-dwellers and they embark on the road trip of their lives—one of Gandalf’s wolf-gardeners comes along to record what the hobbits’ small, drug-addled minds can’t recall. The wagon makes a surprise stop in Rivendell only to find Tom Bombadil plastered out of his mind and on the verge of death.


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