Is there a person in your life who is simply no longer fazed by the insipid American insults you regularly throw at him? Fear not; you can still get the offended reaction out of him that you’re looking for if you globalize your prospective insults…particularly those of the French flavor. In order to help you berate and offend, or at least confuse the point of offense, your person of choice, I’ve compiled a list of some of my favorite French insults that are organized into subcategories based on hot sauce ratings. Whether you intend to use these insults jocularly or seriously, the French have a way with vulgarity that you should certainly give a merde about.
- Tu es ridicule: You are silly.
- Tu es stupide: You are stupid.
- Tu pues: You stink.
- Tu ressembles à une grenouille: You look like a frog.
- Tu es con: You’re an idiot.
- Tu sens comme caca: You smell like poop.
- Faut péter dans l’eau pour faire des bulles: Go fart in the water and make bubbles.
- T’as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d’egouts: You have a face that would blow off manhole covers.
- Branleur: Wanker
- Brûle en enfer: Burn in hell.
- Manges la merde: Eat shit.
- Merde embulante: Walking piece of shit.
- Salaud: Bastard
- Salope: Bitch
- Va te faire foutre: Go fuck yourself.
- Je t’emmerde: Fuck you.
- Fous le camp: Fuck off.
- Va te faire enculer chez les Grecs: Go get sodomized by Greeks.
Tips and Clarifications:
Always use the pronoun “tu” when referring to your subject of obloquy. “Tu” is the informal word for “you” that is used to refer to a person who is either your equal or your subordinate. This is especially offensive when directed at an individual older than you or sociologically superior to you, as you would normally address them with the formal pronoun “vous.” Only use “vous” if you are insulting more than one person, in which case it’s grammatically necessary.
There are many ways to say “fuck” in French. This is because “fuck” is a very unique word in the English language, as it can be a noun, verb, and adjective. There is no grammatical equivalent in the French language, so they have compensated by offering a wide array of different “fucks” depending on the situation, three of which are utilized in the “Explosive” section in this article.
Proper pronunciation is desirable, but perhaps not always necessary. I realize that many of you are unfamiliar with the French language, therefore making pronouncing these phrases somewhat difficult. If you’re berating a non-Francophone, however, your pronunciation doesn’t matter that much; just put on your best faux French accent and blaspheme away. However, you may sound foolish if you try these insults on someone who is relatively familiar with the French language; though if you’re trying to impress a cute French international student, I’d stay away from these phrases. In order to spare you your dignity in such a situation, I’ve made a quick, generalized pronunciation guide:
- “au” makes an “oh” sound
- “ou” makes an “oo” sound
- “ille” makes an “ee” sound
- “ouille” makes a “wee” sound
- “ez” makes an “ay” sound
- “er” makes an “ay” sound at the end of a word
- “s” is usually silent at the end of a word
Congratulations, you have now globalized your vulgar vocabulary and discovered a new way to exercise your freedom of speech. Use this powerful knowledge wisely.
Au revoir, salopes!