Whatever and Ever Today: Sunday, March 31, 2013

A Princeton mother tries to get her son laid, Google stiffs Easter, Boston police are punk rock poseurs, and Nick Offerman break dances in Whatever and Ever Today by Blake J. Graham.

“Bang My Son, Please”

“The cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you,” writes Susan A. Patton, Princeton Class ’77 and mother of a super-bangable Princeton student, in a Letter to the Editor published in the Daily Princetonian. Miss Patton, who is recently divorced, offers blanket advice to the young female future-world-leaders at the prestigious university in her open letter addressed to “the daughters I never had.” Patton is just like the older, well-meaning aunt who curtly asks you why you’re still single at every holiday get-together.

Advice includes: “Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another,” “Smart women can’t (shouldn’t) marry men who aren’t at least their intellectual equal,” and “As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?”

Patton makes sure to remind the girls “My younger son is a junior and the universe of women he can marry is limitless.” So start lining up around the corner Princeton gals. Susan A. Patton could be your completely loathsome mother-in-law.

Cesar Chavez is Risen

In keeping with their tradition of never posting an Easter doodle on their homepage, Google is instead honoring Cesar Chavez Day. Religious folk are so upset by Googles lack of resurrection awareness, they are proposing a boycott of Google in favor of more Easter focused search alternatives like Microsoft’s Bing (which is covered in traditional Jesus eggs today). March 31 was declared Cesar Chavez Day in 2011 by President Obama in honor of civil rights and labor activist. It’s worth noting that Google has never had a doodle that directly references any religious holiday. Ever.

Boston Police Go Punk to Stop House Shows

A recently passed nuisance control ordinance has the Boston police breaking up house shows in the greater Boston area. But because concerts played in the privacy of homes instead of open venues are harder to track and locate, the Boston police has gone “undercover” on chatrooms and social media sites in an attempt to find out where and when these shows are occurring. This would be a great strategy, if the Boston officers in charge weren’t so laughably unaware of the rock scene they’re trying to crack into. The band St. Louis band Spelling Bee recently posted to twitter a screen cap of a cop pretending to be punk. “Patty’s day is a mad house I am still pissing green beer. The cops do break balls something wicked here. What’s the address for Saturday Night, love DIY concerts,” writes “Joe Sly.” Another band, Do No Harm, also received an email from Mr. Sly asking “whats the 411 for the show saturday.” Mr. Sly’s pride in green beer, wicked ball-breaking cops, and taste for turn-of-the-century slang is a dead give-away for bands to not reveal any further information, lest their show be broken up. Despite the seemingly inept nature of Boston PD’s work, shows are regularly being cancelled and rescheduled. Yet, the house show scene rages on.

Ron Swanson, Breakdancer Extraordinaire

Back in the 1980s, Nick Offerman and his cousin formed a breakdancing crew on their grandfather’s farm. Their names? Tick Tock and Flip Fop. But this tidbit of everybody’s favorite parks director from Pawnee, IN wasn’t enough, Offerman has done the world a greater favor by breakdancing during his appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

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